Jealously

Jealously is something every female has experienced at some point in her life. For some it’s an every day battle, for others it’s an unexpected burning sensation at the pit of your stomach when you see your ex for the first time in months with a Miranda Kerr look-a-like hanging off his beautiful arm.

I seem to experience jealously in different stages. Overall I’m pretty content with myself and my life, of course there are every day hurdles I have to over come like avoiding carbohydrates and accepting that no matter how much threading I endure my eyebrows continue to have a life of their own, but it’s safe to say I’m not one of those depressing girls who is jealous of everything and everyone. Instead I have very clear and poignant bouts of utter jealously an my memory seems to remember these jealous moments like they were yesterday.

When I was ten years old, everyone in the world seemed to have a pair of high-heeled black jelly shoes on their feet and an inflatable rucksack. Arriving at school each day to see every girl in my year with these precious garments, I felt such overwhelming jealously it made me cry on a daily basis. I remember the day my older sister received a yellow inflatable rucksack AND an inflatable chair for her birthday from a friend. Despite my love for my sister I was filled with utter hatred towards her, spawned from jealously in its purest form. I wanted these gifts so much that popping them seemed like the only possibility to deflate my rage. However, my love for my sister overcame my ploy to pop her presents when she wasn’t looking, perhaps it was the high-heeled black jelly shoes I received from my mum who obviously saw the pain I was in that also softened the blow.

When I started secondary school, I thought my jealously for material things would no longer be a problem, we were all instructed to wear uniform so I foolishly thought everyone would look the same. I arrived on my first day in Year 7 with an ironed uniform and a new set of hopes and dreams for meeting a new best friend, only to be hit with a tidal wave of jealously for everyone in Rocket Dog pumps.

With each new academic year came a new form of jealously, it seemed everyone started wearing shoulder bags before me, and then there was the Avril Lavigne inspired baggy trousers and tie combo that I never managed to keep up with, my friends then went through a phase of getting their hair cut into cute bobs, only for my jealousy to instigate me to copy, resulting in a horreondous  Kim Jong-un esque mistake.

School is a time for everyone to be jealous of everyone else. University however, was a blur of jealously controlled by one thing and one thing only, everyone wearing size 12 and under. Yes, university was an awful time for my waistline, and my jealously for everyone without bingo wings and chubby cheeks overrode any possibility of jealously for material things.

So what happens to jealously after academic life when you’re no longer constantly surrounded my hoards of people trying to fit in?

For me it’s all about the four Ps

-Partner

-Property

-Pay

-Profession

As I hurtle into the mid twenties tick box, it seems jealously for other’s possessions and aesthetics are no longer as prominent. I’ve accepted my body, my looks and what my Marc Jacobs purse can afford. Yet, if you’re in your twenties and you’re not furiously jealous of someone you know for one of the above reasons you need to sit in a darkened room and feel ashamed of yourself. Nobody in their twenties can possibly have the four Ps in equal measure. I have one out of four. I have a wonderful partner an I could name a few friends who are openly jealous of my 6’4 Essex man with his comedic personality and ability to make everyone feel at ease.

Now I know there are some hideous women out there who claim once you find your “life partner” everything is perfect, these women obviously have all the four Ps and then some. It’s strange that having one of the Ps – a partner – can make the fact I don’t have the other three so prominent, I feel a sense of unbalance and a lack of identity. Right now, I just feel like someone’s girlfriend.

Despite being incredibly proud, I’m equally jealous of my friend’s fabulous professions, their annual pay which pays for rent in London, holidays and a fantastic wardrobe, and their property (some of which involve a mortgage!) If I was to put partner, property, pay and profession in an order of importance I think it would change on a daily basis. The four Ps (or lack of) will continue to define me if I let them, so I’ve decided to put my jealously aside and break the mould. These Ps will no longer define me; if I continue to let them I will keep having a nervous breakdown every time I see a friend’s Facebook status spurred by promotions, holidays and real estate.

I know that one day I will land on my feet with a dream job, a house in the country, a pay packet that allows me to buy a Burberry trench and a partner that continues to put up with me. Failure of any of the Ps is not an option. I know it will happen, it’s just a question of when, so for now I’m going to enjoy the ride of life and stop focusing on the things I haven’t got and appreciate the journey and challenge of finding these things. I had to kiss many a frog before I found my perfect partner, so maybe I have to endure awful jobs, peanuts for pay and a leaking bedsit before I can happily have all four.

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