Room 101

I think it’s safe to say I’m a pretty positive person. My friends and family would describe me as someone who always tries to see the light at the end of the tunnel, no matter how dark the tunnel is. I’m proud of the fact I always try to see the best in everyone and try to keep negative comments to a minimum. However, over the last month I’ve been filled with many a negative thought about the strangest of things. I’m not sure if it’s the January blues, the fact I’m commuting on the underground with creatures of Mordor every day, or all the determined, detoxing, “2014 is my year” comments filling my newsfeed. Never mind the catalyst – everything is pissing me off. As I want to return to my positive self ASAP I thought a rant would fill be once more with tranquility and peace. It’s likely I will soon delete this post in disgust of my time spent whining over ridiculous pet hates, but right now, I’m certain it will make feel better.

Here lies forth my top five for Room 101

“You asked me once, what was in Room 101. I told you that you knew the answer already. Everyone knows it. The thing that is in Room 101 is the worst thing in the world.”


1)     Loud music on the London Underground
I’ve already mentioned my distaste for the underground. What’s to like really other than the excitement northerners feel when the first re-locate to London and realise they are officially in London? It’s busy, smelly, boiling hot and nobody talks to each other. I’m certain if we filled the underground with Sheffielders conversations would flow. Instead it’s a zoo of Candy Crush playing, Metro reading, sweating anti-social commuters on route to work, which is fine. BUT there is one type of person in particular that should be permanently barred from the underground: Anyone listening to overbearing and often horrendously chosen music. There’s two types of music listeners, those who (maybe subconsciously play music through their headphones for all to hear) or the worst kind; Those who actually blast the music out their phone with no care in the world for everyone else trying to get home in peace. If you’re one of those people and you’re reading this, please stop. We don’t like you, especially you, the girl who played Boy Better Know out of her Samsung last Friday.

2)     Job Rejection Letters/Calls/Emails
As if the rejection isn’t bad enough from your dream job, employers really do make the whole situation a lot worse with their cock and bull drivel they insist on throwing down your throat. “It was such a tough decision and you were our second choice”, “We think you will go really far, we would like to keep in touch because you’re fantastic”, “We think you would get bored quickly because you’re very intelligent, enthusiastic and outgoing”, “You’re over qualified”, “I’m sorry but you just weren’t successful this time, we’ve decided to go with someone else who can offer something a little different than you”, “I can’t really give you any feedback why because you’re perfect for the job, just not right now”. These are all genuine responses I’ve received on the back of a job rejection. It’s like being broken up with when you’re 15 with, “It’s not you, it’s me”. Please, you don’t want me, so just get some balls and give it to me straight, I’m a big girl, I can take it, I promise.

3)     Interview/Job success statues on social media
Following on from the above, what’s perhaps more vile is those smug individuals who post job success on Facebook before even informing their family and real (not Facebook) friends. Yes, you’re over the moon and it’s been a torrent year of job rejection, and borrowing money from your parents, but please invest your smugness somewhere else – maybe in a phone call to your family? Maybe I will forgive you all when I finally land my dream job and I shoot myself in the foot with a job happy status. However, those who I won’t forgive are the people who post information about their job interview for the whole world to see! I mean bloody hell, you haven’t even got the job yet and writing about how excited you are about the prospect of a job interview you probably won’t even get is just lining you up for the slaughter house. Come on people – keep a bit of class.

4)     Large Eyebrows
I thought that my venture to Essex would result in even more overbearing eyebrows but it couldn’t be further from the truth. It seems Marmite/Slug-like eyebrows are loyal to the North of the country. I can’t tell you how wonderful it is to get a break from seeing the 10 pound eyebrows in real life, but I’m still hit with them every time I log on to social media. Where did they come from? I’m not talking about the naturally big brows here, Lily Collins and Cara I bow down to your wonderful brows. I’m referring to the Crayola drawn bad boys that give girls a permanent look of surprise. Girls, someone should tell you – you look awful, grab a Simple cleansing wipe and remove them, immediately.

5)     It’s your birthday so I’m going to upload a picture on Facebook where you look shit and I look amazing to celebrate your birthday
In this example, you’re either a culprit or a victim of this heinous crime. We all know that one person, she seems to celebrate every friends birthday with a collage of their lasting friendship. Caption: “Happy Birthday to ma number one gurrrlllll, loves yaaaaa”. As if this hideous use of the English language isn’t bad enough its juxtaposed next to an image of themselves looking radiantly beautiful whilst their friend has both eyes shut, two bingo wings flapping about, or even worse they’ve used a photo from back in the day when you’re carrying a lot more timber and you’ve got that awful fringe infested hair cut you thought you’d put to the back of your mind. Is this something that sounds familiar? De-friend them, now! They’re evil!

Now please, I beg of you, don’t hate me. I’ll be back to my positive ways tomorrow. Wait, it’s Monday, Wednesday then, I promise.


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