Make do & mend

On Friday night, one of my close friends came round to my flat. After a hideous week I was very much in need of a night in with a girlfriend, Harry Potter and pizza. Naturally, we got talking about some pretty deep stuff as Harry, Ron and Hermione hijacked the bodies of three Ministry of Magic staff and stole the horcux off ol’ Umbridge.

We talked about how willing people are to give up on things – fun, fun fun! At the moment, my Facebook & Twitter feed and that hideous right-hand column of Daily Mail Online are filled with couples breaking up, divorces, and ‘conscious un-coupling’ (Gwen babes, there really is no euphemism for ‘divorce’ I’m afraid.) Couples I know who I thought were as happy as Larry, and Hollywood couples I was so sure would make it are crumbling in front of my eyes. Whilst I really don’t care about the latter (unless Bey and Jay break-up, I would have to go into mourning) it does make me realise the sheer number of relationships that don’t last.

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30 things that happen when you move in with your boyfriend: The sequel

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Because you learn so much more one year in.

1. That little job of theirs, putting the bins out once a week, will soon become one of your least favourite past times. Well leaving for work covered in bin juice and egg shell remnants is always a winner isn’t it?

2. That £10 bottle of Sanctuary Luxury Bath Foam will go down a lot quicker than you thought because apparently it makes their skin oh so soft.

3. Tackling brown stains on the bottom of the toilet will becoming your least favourite routine on a Saturday.

4. They will know your period cycle better than you and casually book in a weekend and evenings with the lads during your ‘dark time’.

5. You will ring them in hysterics every time Netflix is ‘currently unavailable’.

6. Your Sky bill will slowly start to increase and you’ll find that little gem of a channel, BT Sport, has creeped into your TV listings. Now how did that get there?

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40 things that happen when you move in with your boyfriend

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I’ve lived with my boyfriend for over 8 months now. After saving and searching for the perfect home we’ve finally, moved out the comfort of his parents house, into our own little flat. It’s an equally exciting yet terrifying time as the realisation sinks in that ‘this is it’. I’ve been making a conscious log, of all those annoying things he does that make me love and hate him in equal measure. Many of which we aren’t pre-warned about when we first take the plunge. Here are just a few…

1) Perhaps the greatest myth of living with your boyfriend is: “You will have sex, all the time, everywhere.” This does not happen. Netflix, Gone Girl and Macadamia hair masks take priority in the evening.

2) You will scrimp and save to get that first months rent together: The first thing he will do when you move in is install Sky, with the Sky Sports package.

3) You will find him using your trusted Tangle Teaser to scratch his beard.

4) The top shelf of the fridge will always contain two crates of beers that he always “got on offer” at Sainsburys.

5) He will be come obsessed with unnecessary house gadgets; a multi-purpose Microwave and industrial strength super-turbo Vax vacuum cleaner have already turned up on my doorstep.

6) He will become equally obsessed with everything Groupon has to offer.

7) He will complain you always steal the duvet, yet he will always kick the duvet off his feet and in turn expose yours.

8) The second thing he will do after installing Sky is set up his Playstation, TV, DVD and Apple TV. He’s got his priorities sorted.

9) You will have evenings where everything about him annoys you, even his breathing, but you will miss him the minute he walks out the room.

10) He will do a ‘big shop’ yet fail to buy any fresh fruit or vegetables.

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Why I will never be somebody’s other half

To much to the dismay of many of my friends, the old Mary who was once famous for being single, cynical and at times bitter is nowhere to be found.

After 100 years of singledom involving rants about loved up couples on the tube, even more rants about my girlfriend’s dropping me for their boyfriends, marathons of SATC relishing in Miranda’s cynical outlook on the other sex and a few horrific dates (one guy met me straight from the gym minus a belt and held his trousers up the whole time, seriously) I’m well and truly loved up.

Over the last  year I’ve fallen head over heels and heart whilst displaying a lot of behaviour the old me would have gagged at. (Last week I actually signed I love you to my boyfriend after getting off the train, terrible I know.)

There’s the odd day I miss the freedom of making plans that involve just me, but overall I now get what all the fuss is about. I never realised I could be so content cuddled up on a Saturday night in my onesie, eating greasy takeaway food, whilst watching Blue Planet with my boyfriend. Whilst you may be sat, reading this declaration of love and rolling your eyes I assure you this article has a very strong point. Yes I love my boyfriend and yes I can’t imagine life without him, but one thing I will never EVER be is his other half. As I wrote the earlier part of this post, I was thinking in the back of my mind how I could express my loathing for the phrase ‘my other half’. There’s just no excuse for it, not at all. As if being single isn’t tough enough (at times) must smug, self-indulgent couples make you feel like half a person?

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